I want to draw pattern… something whimsical, floral, animal, building, people, travel, foods, anything. Having this much energy and passion but lack of time. But I definitely will make some!
Wee~ another vector illustration.
A quick fan fiction about that cute Little Red Riding Hood playing with Big Bad Wolf in the forest.
Koi no Yokan
Been playing with vector again lately. I like how simple, clean, yet clever this kind of illustration can be.
You know what’s the toughest part about being an illustrator? It’s the inner battle that you do when you don’t have much confident to show your works around with that ugly thoughts on your head that keep saying “Okay, you made a nice drawing, but well, ugh, actually you did shitty drawing, other artist will do much better, you called them art? Hell… how about you try something else? Cooking? Okay, let’s just eat.” on and on and on.
I’ve been wondering about that HUGE decision I made couple months ago. Time flies so fast since then. I just realized it was almost two year since I met that person and perpetually thinking about him all day and night. It sounds like another cliche drama but from what I’ve been dealing, I can always say that you can literally numb that unwanted feeling but somehow it just keeps growing and nothing you can do about it than accepting the fact that you’ve been beaten mercilessly by your own feeling. I also learnt that no matter how strong you fight back, it will keep working beyond control. It is scarier than it sounds.
Feelings are very dangerous. Some say that if you keep feeding that parasite, it will end up eating you. I don’t actually understand what feeding a feeling is. Is it by over thinking about that certain thing and letting my self go deeper with it? I will use logic every time I deal with nonsense, but somehow I will honestly say this feeling blows too much. The more I suppress it, the more it will haunt me.
Over the past two years, I just keep "crying" at night with those feelings scattered all over the bed. I got a very few number of quality sleep in the night and well-rested body in the morning because of it. I just let a little twinge turn into a big pain.
Every time I follow it, it leads to wrong the directions. Every time I try to let it go, it just won’t go. Every time I try to kill it, it kills me back. And when I finally try nothing at all, nothing changes. I always go back and forth on this but by the end of the day what I got is just plain the same, only causes a growing number of wounds over and over.
That feeling somehow just keeps hiding under my bed and seems always ready to cover up myself with infinite numbers of insecurities, griefs and anxieties whenever I go to bed before feeling very sleepy. It takes over the gap between waking and sleeping and turns them into a nightmare.
But hey, no matter how evil it is, I won’t let it destruct my day. It’s okay if it ruins my nights so much that I can never sleep in peace. But when I wake up, I should feel ready to enjoy the “different” life and live it to the fullest till I become so tired (literally) and ready to go to bed again without having to face that minutes of horrible gap.
Something I really grateful about is that I can be grateful in some way. The only thing I can preserve myself not for going insane is just by keep trying to appreciate the problems I don’t have and be thankful of it. It works somehow, knowing that my problems may not be a problem at all to some people. And how I am living a much more fortunate life than many others.
I’m living a split kind of life in day and night, I know. How is that making me a hypocrite I don’t know. That is why I call it That Secret Feeling I Keep Under The Bed, until I boast it here. Does that mean it’s not a secret anymore now…
The Lazy Man’s Work Week
Illustration for e-book cover.
For me it’s like praying while sinning.
New year is here. Okay it’s late but guess what, I didn’t feel that excited about this new year-new me, unfortunately. Well, I was, but time after time I had too many hard times while living my life as normally as I can. There were some pebbles along the way, I stumbled across another madness of this life. Hahaha, I don’t even understand what I’m saying but this. This. What always happens all the time. I’m a Christian, I’m proud to say so. But the excuse of “Oops, I’m only human” drives me insanely these days. How evil circumstances are around.
Temptation begins with, “I want to …”
The second step is, “I shouldn’t …”
The third step is “But I really do want to …”
The fourth step is what determines the direction of my life, and it’s the great difference between Christianity and every other way of living.
So what about that fourth step? Here’s how it usually goes. “But I shouldn’t!” which kicks in a cycle that goes from “I want to” around to “I shouldn’t” over and over again. It generally lasts as many times as it takes to get to, “But I think I will after all.” We don’t give in every time, but often enough we do. We battle with ourselves over temptation, and typically we lose. Other people downstream of our sins lose, too.
Sometimes in life, I feel like I just really have to deal with some boring periods. Nothing I can do beside waiting. Sometimes it’s not literally waiting for something that I already know will be served in my plate, just like if I’m hungry and waiting for the ding from the microwave. Sometimes, it is really undefined. I don’t know what was headed my way, I feel nothing is working, life is flat, and days are just flowing without a thrill. Those days are boring. I think I have plenty of these kind of days in my life.
I know it’s Christmas. I know I should be very excited. And it’s not that I feel less Christmasy this year. I decorated house for this season, went to Church, celebrated the night with family, I was laughing, dining, praying, hoping, and even making a list for fun. But I don’t know why, it’s only a day after Christmas and I feel that it just went off. The Christmas day was great, I was poured with new spirit and grace. But the day after was very plain and ordinary. When I think about it more, it’s not happening without a reason. I think, I have accomplished nothing big lately. That’s what makes my days become so flat and dry, I guess.
Well, it sounds complaining. This is what I called a boring period. The stage where I find myself repeating the same days over and over again. The stage where I keep doing my best but see nothing with the progress. The stage where I start wondering where will I end up. The stage where everything is become… well, just boring. I know, once again, it’s Christmas. But honestly, this is the first time I begin questioning, what is the different? After the Christmas break, I’m just gonna redoing the same days. Sometimes, I wonder if there’s something different I can do to smash this flatness.
Trust me, I’ve been dealing with this boredom over a thousand (uh yes) in my whole life. You must know what the world offers to bored people, yes, the blink and the glimpse of happiness. Some people told me that when we’re bored, we just need to “out” for a moment and just be happy. I do agree if what they mean is refreshing, mine is sleeping a lot more and buying new thick book (call me old-fashioned, I don’t mind at all!). But it will be wrong to me if you go for what you think will bring a thrill and ignoring your inner voice.
If you are going through a moment when the only thing you can do is hold tight on your faith, then I suggest you to keep doing your best and never ever let any wrong turn brings you down. What’s wrong turn, you ask? Anything you think is not correct, right at the moment you think of it, that’s probably the wrong turn. Simple example, when you have bad finance and you chose to steal instead of tightening your belt a little more. Or when you have to deal with hard people and you chose to kill them instead of trying anything else. Ok, that’s not a good example. But anyway, what I’m trying to say is never ever go for what you will regret!
Waiting is not wasting. Waiting is simply the stage of boredom (yes) to help us value the result when it comes later on. Hit yourself with positive attitude instead of releasing tension on temporary emotion. Why? For me it’s just to avoid regret. Living in regret is hard, we don’t want it. Sometimes it will be super boring and yawny and all, but be still on the right track won’t betray you. If ever you find yourself thinking “maybe I’ll be better if I get a new pair of shoes, drink a few glass of wine, go to club, kiss that boy, etc.” pause and ask yourself whether this will truly make things better, or will it only bring regret afterwards? It’s easy to think like that, but in my experience the pleasure lasts an hour or two, but then feelings of guilt and loss of control and other negative consequences deepen the lousiness of the day. I’m nothing against those actions, I also like having a pair of new shoes, but if you’re on, for example, bad financial, it’s worth to think twice isn’t it? Chose your act carefully!
NOTE: This is a random post. I just take a note from social media class on this interesting topic of why social media affects ourselves so much nowadays and how to cope ourselves not to get into such meaningless overwhelming effect.
As we know today most of our life has been taken by the onset of social media. It can be very helpful at some point because we live in a largely global-society which maintaining an online presence has become most relevant in promoting your brand and expanding your social network. Though in real life, almost everyone can be easily suspicious to people who are bragging about their life, ironically in the world of social media we often forget that those people are usually only bragging of what they think is good or what they think is suitable to portray their ideal self, NOT THEIR REAL SELF. In this case, we tend to believe all we see or read or hear on other people’s post. It’s not just stop there, even further some research found that only by visiting social media nowadays can build extreme self esteem, both in good or bad ways. That means, social medias do help people build their confidence while at the same time destruct other’s.
What you see is not always what is real on social media. Perception is everything, especially in the world of social media. People have their ideal self, they will consciously or not wish to maximize their aspects to be like what they think is best. At this stage, the use of social media continues to evolve as the concept of presenting people’s ideal selves. The sad fact is many social media’s users affected by such overwhelming effect of using social media. This explains why so many people spend so much time on social media as they are provided by a false sense of self and an inflated sense of who they really are.
There are 2 factors that can be a trigger for this case.
If you’re consistent and transparent in your online and offline persona, you have nothing to fear from exposure
Christmas Back Then
I remember when I was 4 or 5, my teacher in kindergarten once told me to pray a lot at night since Santa Claus and his group were going to visit our school the next morning. The prayer was meant to deliver our wish in hope that Santa Claus will be giving us an exact present as we want. I was a clueless kid back then, but also a tricky one. So I pray for an umbrella for no reason, not because I really need it. I could ask for more valuable thing that time like a huge teddy bear, a barbie doll house, or else, but I don’t know why I want an umbrella. I thought it would be hard for Santa Claus to get what I want. He could gave me wrong present but I really pray that night and get too excited to wait for the next morning.
Next day at school, I really did see Santa Claus and Zwarte Piet for real! We had a great Christmas party. Santa even called our name one by one to give our present directly, not by dropping them on the chimney or quietly putting them under the Christmas tree. It was awesome!!! I keep wondering this and that all the time.
When he finally called my name and I walked forward to receive my present, I get a little disappointed because I finally found out that Santa Claus was actually Brother Leo from our local Church dressing up with fake beard and stuffs. I also realized that Zwarte Piet was actually my teacher stained in dark paint makeup. But it didn’t really matter, because what makes me wondering the most was what that Santa Claus gave to me.
It was an umbrella.
A cute-small-purple umbrella with my name written on the box. It was for me. Just for me. Santa Claus aka Brother Leo grant my wish. And I was like how? How did he know? How was it possible? I didn’t even tell him what I want and I didn’t tell anyone about what I want from Santa Claus, unless…
Woohoo~~~ The best season of the year is now here… Everybody rocks this Christmas time!!!